I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
