You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
