My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
