I just saw a hot homeless man
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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