I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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