i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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