your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
