You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
