I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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