Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
