I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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