after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
