you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
