Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
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