is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
