So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
