I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
