Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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