How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
