You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
