She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
