Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
