After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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