My boss' voice literally gives me gas
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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