So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
