My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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