lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
