I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
