You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Randomize
