Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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