Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
