if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
