You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Someone signed my nipple.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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