We need to rekindle our bromance
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
