I looked at my own cervix.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize