I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
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