I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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