haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
