I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
