I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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