i dont even know how to be here
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
