we have pet lesbian snakes
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
