Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
