me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
