your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
