Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
My penis needs a shock collar
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
