I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
