Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
