when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
