Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
you never un-have a 4some
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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