Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Randomize
