I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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