fuck your aforementioned shoe
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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