I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
