Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Can I color on your dick again?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
