Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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