I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
