There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
